Not In Denial

Hey, not feeling good again tonight.

I lay in bed, waiting for my girlfriend's response.

Oh, that sucks! I was looking forward to seeing you. Feel better :(

Another successful lie. Not that I could have told her the truth. What was I supposed to say, that I was ditching her for the third time this month to spend the night locked away in my room, in a body 20 years older and the opposite gender than my own? Even if I convinced her, she'd have broken up with me on the spot.

It's not like I don't like her, or don't find her attractive. We have plenty of sex, and I love copping a feel whenever we're cuddled up together. Even still, I feel guilty.

I sigh, gazing down at my plump breasts. I've tried to give it up for good a few times, swearing that it's wrong, and messing with my head, and I can just get on with my life if I never do it again. I've gone weeks or even months afterwards without changing. Deep down, though, I know it's only a matter of time before I'm pulling this cheap dress out of the corner of my closet so I can indulge my private little fantasy sessions.

Sure, I like the way it hugs my ass, and puts my cleavage on display, but that's only part of the fun. I've been practicing a little with my girlfriend's curling iron, and that's fun too. It's all playing pretend.

Maybe if I really needed to I could give it up, it would be different, but who's it hurting, really? Nobody ever has to know about it. I've even practiced some techniques on myself before using them on the girls I've been seeing, so you could argue that there's actually a benefit.

That's why I bought this vibrator -- for my girlfriend. Of course, she happened to not really be a fan of this particular model. You can't exactly return these things, so rather than throw it out, I keep it handy for nights like this.

Don't get me wrong, there isn't some bigger meaning behind what I'm doing. I like being a guy, this is just a mental escape. I'm don't consider it cheating or anything. I don't look at porn while I'm like this. I'm not even fantasizing about other women, always her! Sure, sometimes lately I've been spicing things up, imagining that she can change as well. I picture her male body, and what I could do to it.

Above all else, I definitely don't want this to be my real life. It's just sex, even if I am picturing a man with his hands gripping my thighs as he drives deep into my pussy. If my mind ever drifts to being a wife, or a mom, or whatever, I don't worry about it. By the time those thoughts bubble up, I'm about to climax anyways.