Gift Advice

Hey fellas! If you're planning to give your wife or girlfriend sexy lingerie for Christmas this year, just be absolutely certain that it's a gift she'll appreciate.

Otherwise, you might hear the phrase, "If you like it so much, maybe YOU should wear it!"

Of course, I won't tell if you want to pick up something for yourself this year.

Were You Naughty Or Nice This Year?

Hi there, faithful readers! Hopefully Santa was good to you this year. Sorry about the lack of posting recently! I've been a little... tied up with other things.

I'm going to fire up the ol' caption engine again in 2020, on a more relaxed posting schedule. I genuinely enjoy the creative outlet, but my old self-imposed schedule made it feel like work when it should have been fun. Let's make this fun together in the new year! Once we're up and running a little, I'll try and put out some polls and other feedback tools to see what you fine folks want to read. If I wanted to do this just for myself, I'd print out my posts and tape them to the wall, as a totally normal, non-crazy person might do.

So strap in, strap on, and stay tuned!

Twelve Drummers Drumming

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Eleven Pipers Piping

I woke up late the next day, once again sore, and even more ashamed of myself than the day before. I knew I was being forced into these things to gain some sort of bizarre perspective on life as a woman, but it was starting to wear me down.

Ten Lords A-Leaping

The morning after working the strip club, I woke up sore, tired, and covered in body glitter. George was nowhere to be found but there was a note in the kitchen next to a stack of $100 bills. "There's more where that came from. Meet at the Tiki Hut tonight at 9." There had to be at least three grand there! What could I possibly do to make that much? More stripping, maybe?

As I stuffed the cash in my purse, I noticed it must have triggered today's change. Honestly, I was a bit surprised. Normal hair and build, no strange features, nothing out of the ordinary. Except, you know, still being stuck as a woman.

Nine Ladies Dancing

As I lumbered out of my room the next morning, I was surprised to see George already waiting for me. "Good morning, sleepyhead! Nice to see your fat ass out of bed."

"Yeah, as if you could even handle this much woman." In my head that was a killer insult, but I felt it backfire on its way out.

Eight Maids A-Milking

After sucking off my first group of guys, I spent the next hour showering and brushing my teeth. I kept telling myself I was over halfway through, though that was little comfort as I drifted off to sleep.

I woke up the next morning with a growling stomach. I suppose I hadn't had much appetite after eating so much dick. Unfortunately for me, the fridge was nearly empty. The only thing inside was clearly my next gift: a jar of milk wrapped in ribbons. I figured George would get me whether I fought it or not, so I might as well take a drink.

Seven Swans A-Swimming

Fun fact: being pregnant is extremely uncomfortable. I spent most of the night rolling around and generally sleeping like garbage. After finally nodding off for a few hours, I woke up to a text message on the phone next to me.

"Meet me by the pool." I looked down, still seeing my round belly and swollen boobs. Apparently George planned to give me today's gift when I got there, which meant he wanted me to waddle around in my big, pregnant body a little longer. What an asshole.

Six Geese A-Laying

After my rough night with Larry, I woke up for the first time eager to get my next "gift" from George. I hated my old, saggy tits, I hated my brute of a husband, and I really hated how simply "being a woman" was no longer my top complaint.

Five Golden Rings

After spending the previous day as the personal assistant to the douchiest attorney at my firm, I was officially feeling broken. George's magic had forced me into acting like a bimbo slut all day, and the memories of being bent over every piece of furniture in the office were all too vivid.

Four Calling Birds

I woke up in the dark and reached hopefully towards my crotch. "Uhh, fuck. Still a chick." At least that stupid fake accent was gone. I guess that part wore off after the day of the "gift" ended.

Three French Hens

I rolled over the next morning with a sore pussy and a clear head. Despite the memories of last night's incredible sex, I no longer felt any attraction to George. Speak of the devil, where was he? I gagged a little when I thought of how we fell asleep spooned together, his dick pressed against my ass.

Two Turtledoves

After the cursed pear turned me into a woman, I spent the rest of the night hiding from George. I would have stayed locked in my room, but eventually my bladder demanded otherwise. Out of sheer habit, I stood in front of the toilet, reached down, and grabbed... nothing. My cheeks burned as I lowered the seat and turned around.

A Partridge in a Pear Tree

"George? You home?" I silently hoped for no response. Nothing against my roommate, but I didn't feel like company at the moment. I'd made the mistake of telling one of the partners at my law firm that I wouldn't be going home for Christmas, which he saw as an opportunity to have a first year associate retrieve a case file from the office this morning. Who the hell works on Christmas?

Christmas Can Be Stressful

"Oh, excuse me! Sorry, miss, I expecting Santa." The young elf didn't recognize the scantily-clad woman in Santa's study, but then again, it was his first Christmas at the North Pole. "I needed to deliver a message from Mrs. Claus, and, um... sorry, where is Santa?"

"I'm-- er, he's, well... never mind that. He'll probably be back any time. I'm sure you're busy and I know he was expecting Mrs. Claus, so maybe I can pass along her message?"

"Of course... She said she was tied up in the bakery and couldn't make it to their normal 'reindeer games'. Then she said Santa might find a candy cane relaxing, but she didn't send me with anything..."

The woman nodded thoughtfully. "Yes... Santa gets awfully stressed this time of year, and he and Mrs. Claus have come up with all sorts of... creative ways to deal with that. You know, I'm feeling a little stressed myself. Maybe if I dig around, I'll find something to suck on, even if it's not a candy cane..."

Christmas Shopping

I'd hoped that going Christmas shopping with my boyfriend would be a fun activity for the two of us, but after six stores he was already complaining.