Curvy Girls are Sexy

A word of advice: if your girlfriend ever asks if she's put on weight, the correct response is not, "Maybe a little, but it looks good on you!" Furthermore, you'll only dig yourself deeper if you follow that with, "Come on, curvy girls are sexy!"

Not the Brightest Plan

Omigawd! Was that like, the fucking front door? Karen was supposed to be gone all weekend! I can't let her see me like this!

Lawn Care, Self Care

"Mommy, why is Daddy wearing high heels?"

"He's aerating the lawn to help it grow."

"Oh. Why is he wearing a dress?"

"Because it makes him feel pretty, dear."

Changing Tastes

I just don't understand. Back when I was a guy, I loved lesbian porn.

The Things They Can Do with Computers These Days

My buddy Josh had told me about this "magic" computer program he had found that could transform anything about a person. I figured he was pulling some sort of prank, but he swore it was for real.

Testing a Theory

"Hey Phil, you ready to go?"

"Yeah, hang on one sec, I'm trying something."

"Uh, ok... whatcha doing, buddy?"

"Well, I was eating a cookie when I turned into this chick, right? So I figure if I eat some more, one of them should change me back."

"Yeah, don't you think maybe the cookie thing was a coincidence, and it has more to do with that coven of witches you flashed in the park earlier?"

"...."

"...."

"Nah, I think I'm going with my cookie thing."

The Flashing Roommate

Ugh, every damn time. Nick would get out of the shower, then "accidentally" drop his towel in front of me. "Haha, like what you see, big guy?" We had been roommates for a month and I couldn't wait to move out.